It is now in my almost late-twenties.
It probably is way too late..
I actually feel sad that the Holy month is ending…
I always said the same thing years before, but not really felt it. I said I was sad because it’s the right thing to say, isn’t it? I said it because everybody else said that. It’s a common courtesy of Ramadan.
It feels weird, all this changes perspectives of mine after having kids.. after being this so-called housewife.. I am becoming someone I never thought I would (nor could) be: a devoting mother. Though, I don’t think I do a good job (well, at least I am desperately trying). See, when you watch your kids 24/7 growing in front of you, it’s hard not to be scared of death. You wonder, all the time….what if you die tomorrow? Before the kids even old enough to go to school? Before they go to university?Before they get married? And so on, and so on…
And those wonders haunt. And yes, I’m scared. I am not a good person, how can I survive the afterlife? I know nothing about religion, and what faith do I have? Only this faith of God’s existence but do I really know Him? Do I love Him? Do I really scared of Him? No, I’m not.
I am a natural hater, I can hate people for no right reason. I can just hate. I am a grumpy mocker. I am a hypocrite, I can give you the nicest smile and hate you by heart. I am lazy, like true procrastinator. Those provide me enough proofs that I am a sinner. I’m not afraid of Allah’s punishment. I keep coming back for more sins. And having kids help me sees what a bad person I am.
So when Ramadan come, I started it with a new spirit to introspect myself. To truly asked His forgiveness. I make list of what good deeds I want to execute. I want to give my children the great example of make the most out of Ramadan…..
Well, there goes nothing. Almost 30 days passed and I’ve spent too many times trapped in sins. I am still a defying wife, a hypocritical in-law, and a snob and a lazy mother that I used to be.. What is wrong with me? I’m not a true believer. That is what’s wrong. And it is so typical of me to regrets. But this year, this kind of regret feels awful.. An ironical agony. Ironic because I said I am afraid of death, yet brave enough to break many of the Life-Owners’ rules.
This kind of regret makes me sad.. And all I can do now is istigfar. I hope Allah forgives, for He is the Most Merciful. And God, I pray this is not my last Ramadan.. but if it is…
Then I’m screwed. 🔥🔥🔥