Curious is the case of human. He runs towards the world he can  never catch. And runs away from the death he can never escape.

It is an Islamic quote that I recently (try to) agree with. My brother once said: life is only a queue for death. I think it’s a bitter statement, yet it’s true. You and I, we were born to die. So why try so hard to win the world? Because curious is  human nature.

You only live once. So you better make the most out of it. How? It will depend on your life goals.

For a traveler, it might means to travel all around the globe.

For a businessman, it might means to earn profit as much as he can.

For a parent, it might means to see her kids growing up happily.

For an artist, it might means to be well-known for his artworks.

For a scientist, it might means to have a groundbreaking invention that will change the world.

What about for me, you asked? I honestly don’t know.

It was two years ago we lost our father, my father in law. I guess it’s safe to say that he died in peace. It was me who watched him dying, it was a sudden heart attack. My hubby was on his way home from work, my mother & brother in law were out of town. So, my father died without his direct relatives be there beside him. And it broke my heart, and broke my hubby’s heart worse.

It was a mind-changing experience, you know. To watch someone dying, right in front of your eyes. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do at all. I kept praying and praying on our way to the hospital:

Please Allah, don’t let him die now..

Please Allah, don’t let him die here..

Please Allah, just don’t let him die..

But Allah knows better. My father was already gone by the time my hubby arrived at the hospital. And I couldn’t stop crying.

There’s a verse in Islam about the agony of death.

Wajaat sakratu almawti bilhaqqithalika ma kunta minhu taheed.

“And the agony of death comes, in truth; that is what you wished to avoid.”

In this verse the phrase “sakratul mawt” is used to indicate the swoon of death. This verse implies that every dying person must experience some pain and torment. [See al-Alusi’s Ruh al-Ma’ani and Qurtubi’s tafsir]

The agony showed in my father’s face. And I don’t think I will be able to forget that face. It seemed like he was in excruciating pain, and it scares me.

I didn’t know what my father’s life goal was, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t event have the chance to reviewed his life ambition on his last breath. And that scares me. I care so much on my worldly ambitions that I neglect my sins. If I die tonight, there’ll be 99% possibility that I’m going straight to hell..1% is Allah’s mercy :’)

So ask me again about my life goal.. I think I know exactly what the answer should be:

“I have not created the jinn and mankind except to worship Me. I do not want from them any sustenance and I do not want (from them) that they feed me. Indeed Allah is the Provider, the possessor of power and strength” [Adh-Dhariyat QS 51: 56-58]

Life is a queue for death indeed, and I need to start re-prioritize my goals. Every birthday leads me closer to death. I should be worry, instead of  happy, for I will never be ready to face my last day.